FOTN: Christmas Eve Edition

My extended family and I all get together to celebrate Christmas the night before, on Christmas Eve. We usually have tamales and dinner, then at midnight we divvy the gifts and we all open them. Even though some people want to change tradition by opening gifts earlier because of the kids (don't get me started), we actually got to open them at midnight.

I never wear wear lipstick. I never thought I could pull the look off. But last night I felt a little more daring and went all out. Why not?! And I think I liked it so much I might wear this look more often!

I used all the products above. A lot of them are my favorites I've used all year long. And I think the look came out pretty well. I'm pretty proud, if I don't say so myself.

I hope you enjoyed! Merry Christmas!

Winterlicious Tag

For me, I celebrate Christmas on the 24th. Since I've been little my whole extended family gets together for dinner and at midnight we start diving up the presents and we all open them at once. So, might as well post this tag today. i haven't read the questions entirely yet and I have only seen some video respondses om YouTube. This could be fun!:

1) Favorite Winter Nail Polish?
Hmm. I don't have a specific brad or name, but I usually do a sparkly red. This year, I think I will be going with a gold. I have been loving gold a lot lately.

2) Favorite Winter lip product?

The winter season makes my lips feel so dry and chapped. I bought these EOS lip balms a while ago and love the red and blue ones. The white one is vanilla which I am not a huge fan of. These have been used a lot these past few weeks.

3) Most worn Winter clothing piece?

I have always been wanting those furry boots, like Uggs, but could never bring myself to buy a pair at those prices. Also, I have larger legs and those type of boots would rarely fit. But last month I saw Melissa or Hkitty1122's video where she talked about a paid of those kind of boots at Payless that had a stretchy buckle that could fit a larger leg. At first I bought a pair of black boots, the longer boot, and loved them so much I bought a brown pair and also the the shorter version in light brown. So in love with them! So comfy and warm on a cold night. I even took them to Disneyland once and had no problems walking around.

4) Most worn Winter accessory?
I have been loving a small brown cross body purse. It doesn't hold much, but it is really nice for Christmas shopping. Nothing I have to carry! It has been a lifesaver.

5) Favorite winter scent/candle?

Last year I fell in love with the Winter Wonderland candle from Bath & Bodyworks (serious addict). I still have one candle and was pretty let down they didn't bring the scent back. It has been really nice burning the scent again.



6) Favorite Winter beverage?

Last year I found out that Starbucks can make their Peppermint Mocha all year long because they always have the ingredients even though it won't be on the menu. But I only get it during the Christmas season. On a cold morning on my way to work, sometimes it's the only thing I look forward to.

7) All time favorite Christmas/Holiday movie?

I don't really have a Christmas or holiday movie I am in love with. Well, not one that pops to my mind immediatly. But I will say that everytime "The Holiday" pops on on tv I always watch it. I am not a huge Cameron Diaz fan, but I do love Kate Winslet. And the movie is just so cute. It has grown on me over the years.




8) Favorite Christmas/Holiday song?
Bing Crosby and David Bowie's version of "Little Drummer Boy" is pretty high on my list. Also, "Oh Holy Night" and "Silent Night" are very strong. The lyrics, when sung by the right artist, can give me chills everytime. But the most contemparary Christmas song I enjoy is Mariah Carey's "Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)". i think this Christmas that song has really made me miss the ex, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way.

9) Favorite Holiday food/treat?

My tia's tamales. Some other family members have tried to duplicate them, but they cannot even compare. She makes about 3 different kinds, but I only love the red ones. Spicy wnd yummy and just so amazing!



10) What is your favorite Christmas Decoration this year?
I am just enjoying my tree this year. I am usually a Christmas freak, but this year I never got into the spirit like i usually do. Maybe because it has been my first Christmas alone in a long time, so putting a tree up even thought I couldn't doll it up like I would normally has helped me get a little more in the spirit. But I know the minute the clock strikes midnight on Christmas day I will be kickimg myself for not enjoying the holiday as much as I should of had.

11) What's at the top of your Christmas list?
Clothes really. Now that I am older I don't get gifts which is fine. I have a little half sister so buying for her has been so much fun. But if my mom is to ask me what I would like, I have my eyes set on a black jacket I found at G-Stage yesterday *crosses fingers*

12) What are your plans for the holidays?
I have 9 glorious days off of work and I plan to just enjoy the heck out of them. Work has been killing me and I have been looking forward to this break for months. I plan to sleep it, Do a deep house cleaning, and take some time for myself.

This took longer than I expected :P but fun nonetheless. I tag YOU now to complete this tag!
Happy holidays snd Merry Christmas!

Presents for (almost) everyone

It's that time of the year: Christmas time at the office. Time to give out presents and feel really awkward when you receive a gift from someone you didn't buy a present for in return. It doesn't fail to happen every year. I seem to say "I didn't think she/he would of gotten me a gift" or "They got me something? Crap!". I only say that because I hate not getting something for someone who got me a gift. It's awkward and just not fun. But I did get a few things for my co-workers and the people I who are more than just co-workers to me.

The first gift below in the Disney princess bag is for my closest friend at work, Celeste. She has been with me through heartbreak, anxiety, fear of joblessness, and so much more . I didn't think we were exchanging gifts this year as money is tight, but she got me a very cute Hello Kitty coffee mug and car freshener. So I decided to get her a little something.

I got her two candles with a cupcake sleeve and a cross bracelet. A lot of the gifts I'm giving this year are things I've had for months so it was nice not having to fork over a ton of money all at once for presents. The bracelet is one I actually bought for myself and that Cee has seen before, but it was freakishly small. And Cee has freakishly thin wrists so it made sense it go to her.

I also got some gifts for some other people I work with. Not everyone, but people who I am close with and also people who have already got me something. I wish everyone would do this in an office: give people gifts early in order to have time to return the gesture.

Cee and I decided to go half on all the gifts to save some money. And usually we do everything together so I don't think people were surprised. The small candle is for our associate manager and one of the large ones is for our regular manager, while the other two will be going to close associates, basically our good friends.

I got two other smsller gifts for two girls I work with on my own behalf. They are newer associates and I have really grown attach to them. These are just a small token of my appreciation for them and I hope they like them. But I didn't want the rest of my unit to feel out of the loop so I have a bunch of travel size lotions and mini candles I've had saved up for such occations so I will be giving those away as well. Glad to be using all these things for good use!

Lay down, relax

In my last post I wrote about my life with anxiety and rundown on how it's basically my existence as I know it. In the last few months it has gotten worse, since September, when I came down with a case of the summer cold that had me sidelined for more than two weeks. My symptoms since then have worsened.

I had been researching hypnosis for a while now, but was always afraid of the price tag. I've heard how well hypnosis had worked on smokers and people with phobias, like bugs. And in doing my research I saw that hypnosis can also help anxiety. Ah! A solution, I thought. And at this point I was, and am, desperate. My quality of life was poor. Afraid to go anywhere far if I had to drive, getting anxiety after having just one cocktail. The weirdest situations were triggering my attacks.

A few weeks ago my best friend, my oldest friend, Brian had been talking about how one of his coworkers had gone to hypnosis to get over her fear of bugs and how it had worked. It was the best money she ever spent, he boasted. One day at work I just called and spoke to Joe, the hypnotist. He basically asked me why I needed hypnosis and sought his help. He told me he could cure me. Hearing those words had brought a sense of hope into my life. Then I asked the scary question: how much would this solution cost me? Now looking back, how could I ever question the cost of piece of mind? Of having my life back?! But when Joe told me it was going to be $175, I was floored. I was expecting at least double that! Joe assured me that he had done helped others with my kind of problem numerous times before no was positive I just needed one session. I scheduled for the next week right then and there.

I was so excited, so hopeful. This was my last resort. Nothing has helped until now. I told all my friends. And bless them, they were excited for me too. Finally, the day of my appointment arrived. My brother drove me to my appointment that evening since it was far from home and I don't drive the freeway (I know, I know, I should go to hypnosis for that too). It was in an industrial part of Irvine and we arrived early. Joe's office was small, but nice. He was very friendly and I felt so comfortable with him. You could tell he was trying to make me feel at ease.

Joe had me tell him what was going on and what I wanted to accomplish with hypnosis. I told him, basically, I wanted to get rid of this anxiety forever. He promised that after that night I would never have to worry about anxiety again. Hearing such a promise, after months of suffering, brought me to tears. I basically fell apart. I was so hopeful and so tired of living this way that the idea of never having to worry about this again, I couldn't imagine it. We then got to work.

I laid down on his sofa and closed my eyes. Joe had indicated some people remember nothing from their hypnosis experience while others remember everything. I remember everything, I was aware the whole time, but I do remember feeling so calm and relaxed. In a nut shell, he had me go to a place of calm (which for me was Maui, my happy place) and had me face my anxiety with some examples and so on. A hour and a half later we were done.

I was advised I could have some hesitance, that I may not believe it had worked. The first two days I was convinced it didn't work. I cried at work to my friends, disappointed. I felt like I was let down. This was suppose to be my saving grace! Why didn't it work? I was heartbroken, really. After speaking with Brian that night and the next, he told me his friend who had done hypnosis with Joe felt like I did at first. That she still felt anxious and nervous about bugs, but it wasn't as bad as it had once been. I had to think about it: I did drive home and to work which was something I wasn't doing. And although my heart raced through the canyon, I didn't have a panic attack. Something in me said I went going to have one. Was this progress?

It's been a week and a day since my hypnosis. Yesterday I had some problems because of traffic jam in the canyon beyond my control but I made it. The sensation in my mouth still happens. But I try to tell myself that I no longer have anxiety, that I will no longer have a panic attack. That I can drive. It's no big deal! I think I'm finally believing it. I do want to do hypnosis one last time. But this time talk about my mouth sensations. But all in all, I think it did help some.

But only time will tell. And I hope it tells me all is getting better.

Anxiety and how it's high-jacked my life

When I wake up in the morning or when I lay my head down to sleep, usually the same thing is on my mind: anxiety.

I've been dealing with anxiety and the accompanying panic attacks since September 30th of last year. So for a full year (and then some) I've been struggling with the affects of this this thing that has (as indicated in the blog title) high-jacked my life as I've known it. And for the last few months, I didn't think I could go on living this way anymore. I. Am. Done.

I'm no doctor, but I don't think all anxiety is the same and it depends on the person. My symptoms can be pretty severe (in my opinion, obvs) and... it's horrible! I've said it before and I'll say it again: I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

If I had to pin point the beginning of my own person hell it all started August 2011. I was a newer driver and got into a car accident. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't that big of an accident, even though the front of my car was completely smashed in, but it triggered something in me. It brought an enormous amount of stress into my life. I had to worry about getting my car fixed in order to get to my two jobs at the time and also in order to get it back in time to pick up my boyfriend from the airport, on our way to our yearly "big vacation". The other person's Insurance rep was giving me grief and my car needed a whole new front. By the time that vacation rolled around, I had a horrible rent a car and the ex gave me grief about it being too small and how I should complain and so on. He wasn't the most understanding person.

I cant remember when it started, if it was in Honolulu (vacation distinction as orchestrated by the ex, but I paid my half) or before then, but I was dealing with this sensation in my mouth. It felt like I had something, like a hair ball, in my throat. It also made my tongue feel like I had a lump on the left side of it. It was annoying. And also, it was making eating and swallowing very difficult. I felt like I needed something to drink with me at all times, to take sips when I needed to cleanse that feeling. This sensation followed me on vacation. I barely ate and, if I did eat, I had to be careful of what I ate. Foods like bread and other starches made my mouth feel very dry and it wouldn't go down without the feeling of chocking. I ate very small in size and amount. The boyfriend wasn't alarmed as he was kind of upset I was making such a big deal about nothing, in his opinion. That week and a half was rough. And the one time I did eat a big meal, I got food poising. As did he. For two days we were in trapped in bed in paradise.

In Hawaii, I did have a panic attack, be it that I had an episode of some sort that I didn't know was a panic attack until I got home. He was driving and I was in the passenger seat when I felt my heart race like crazy. It was freaking me out. I've had this feeling and this situation happen before, but I was at home and I had my brother with me. I slept it off in his presence and it never happened again. But here I was (and these were my thoughts during the episode) with a guy who I know won't be understanding or helping, in another state other than my home state of CA, on an island in the middle of the Pacific, on a two lane highway with nothing but grass and fields on either side. I asked him to stop the car on the side so I could take my breath and have a minute. I begged, closing my eyes and laying my head back on the headrest. He said he couldn't, that he had to piss, and we were close to the hotel. To just wait until we got there. As I predicted, he was not understanding. In fact, he seemed annoyed by this. Like, I was doing this on purpose and I was acting out? I don't know what he thought I was doing or doing to myself. Yup, I choose nothing but winners in the romance department.

Our vacation ended and during the flight I had that racing heart feeling again. But I had water and I don't remember having a horrible experience, but I remember it wasn't pleasant. He flew back to Boston where he lived and lives, and I went back to work that Tuesday. I still had that hair in the throat feeling and it was getting worse. I woke up and went to sleep with the feeling of chocking at all times. I had plans to go to the doctor to see what was the matter. Then, Friday rolled around.

At this point in my life I was working my full time job and a part time job. I was driving from my one job to the other, like I've done for almost a year now. On my route to work and home I must drive through a canyon. I stretch of 3.1 miles that has become my idea of daily torture. But before the, I never thought twice about it. But on this day, it's where all my trouble started. Behind the wheel I started to feel my heart race again, violently. And that lump on my tongue now felt like it was suffocating my airway. I panicked. I pulled over to the side of the road as quickly as I could. I was having a panic attack and no one was around to help me. I thought about flagging a car down as I tilted my seat back and tried to catch my breath, trying to calm myself down. All I could think about was getting out of the canyon and to my second job. Somehow I made it through the canyon, but my pulse was racing and throat felt like it was closing up on me.

I got to the mall where I was working, after pulling over an additional time to catch my breath and calm down, but I knew something was wrong. I pulled into a parking spot and feeling I could not drive anymore. In a frantic panic, I called my brother and begged for him to help me. I was hysterical, in tears, in panic. I told him I felt like I was dying, to please help me. He told me to calm down, that he was on his way. While I waited for him, I just panicked. I got in the car to lay down, got out of the car to catch my breath, got back in... and back out. The idea of flagging a car down to help me was almost realized. There had to be a nice woman, possibly a mom, who would help me if I pleaded. Maybe I would remind them of their daughter or son and take care of me. My brother got to me about 10 minutes after my phone call, but to me, it felt like a hour. He had called my dad to tell him what was happening. I got into his truck and I was inconsolable. I was in tears and I was a mess. He said he was taking me to my aunt's house where my dad was and they would take me to the doctor from there. I looked at him with panic in my heart, telling him he had to take me to the hospital and immediately, because I felt like I was dying. He sped down the road as I laid I'm the passenger seat, crying, telling him that I didn't wanna die. Not like this. I freaked him out. He was basically yelling at me, telling me I wasn't gonna die. I told him to talk to me, to tell me about his basketball team. Anything to keep my mind occupied with something other than my eminent death. He told me about his team, about this friend's new girlfriend, everything, and anything until we finally got to the hospital. I got out and sat in the waiting area in terror as my brother spoke to the lady behind the desk. It wasn't busy, thank goodness, and I was ushered in quickly. The nurse (I think it was a nurse) asked what was the matter and I told her I was dying. Has she never seen someone dying before?! They hooked me up to his wonderful machine that pumped me up with wonderful medicine that helped me calm down. The doctor came in and told me I was having a panic attack. Shortly after my dad came in. And he was worried, it was written all over his face. I felt really bad for putting him through it. He and I have a strange/strained relationship, but that story is for another time. The new doctor gave me some medicine to help me if I was feeling worse and we all went to my aunt's house so I could relax.

Oh, I was feeling better now. I was high as a kite and that lump on my tongue was gone, too! At my Tia's house my ordered pizza and this was the first time in at least a month I ate without one problem. I ate pizza like there was no tomorrow. I was driven home afterwards, took a wonderful pill and passed out immediately.

That Monday I called into work and called my doctor, asking to be seen immediately. My car had been retrieved from the mall parking lot and I got behind the wheel. The drive to my doctor is about 10 miles or even less, but it was the longest drive of my life. My heart started racing again and I was in terror. I was panicking again. Oh no! I thought. This cannot be my normal routine now! Is this life as I know it now? I saw my doctor and I just unraveled. I was hysterical, telling her what had happened 72 hours prior and what just occurred in the road. She took me off work for a week in order to get myself back to normal. That week I went to see a specialist for that invisible lump in my throat. There was nothing there, And the drive there? Horrible, frightening. That week at home I stayed in bed, feeling that panic and anxious feeling all day and night. I would of given anything to be at work, feeling like my normal self.

So we fast forward to now. Panic and anxiety is something I deal with everyday. It has handicapped my life. Driving is horrible for me, so much so that only recently I couldn't drive to work anymore. Thankfully I have a family member I work with and I got to carpool. But anxiety has really ruined my quality of life. Stress from work attributes to my anxiety. I only feel okay at home, on the weekends. When I don't work and I don't have to drive far.

Driving itself isn't the problem, I don't think. It's the idea that no one will be around if another episode happens. What if I'm driving through an unpopulated industrial area or though another canyon? Who will be there to help me? In the last few months I've become very depressed, thinking that this isn't how I want to live anymore, is living like this worth living at all? Zoloft hasn't been helping and neither has talking to a therapist. I was running out of options. And running out of reasons to live like this. Or live at all. I was tired. I was despite. I was frustrated. And I've had enough. I wasn't living anymore. I was just existing, existing with anxiety. And existing wasn't worth it anymore. Not like this.

This passed Monday I saw a hypnotist. This was it. My last resort. I had and have no other options. Pills haven't worked, therapist hasn't either. This my my last option, because then what?!

Did it work?

Sleeping beauty

I know, I know. This is a random picture of my baby, but she is so cute. I couldn't help it. That's Boo, or Boo Boo as she is called a lot of the time. She is amazing. More to come about her soon.

It starts with one....

I have been registered with Blogger since 2007 and this is the first post I have ever written. I had every intention of starting a blog, I swear. But of course I failed in execution. But here I am, on a Saturday night. Writing a post. I guess it should all start somewhere.

I intended to start writing back in January when the ex and I broke up. I was heartbroken and I didn't know what else to do with my time or with my grief. Obviously going to the gym wasn't an option I decided on as I am now 25 pounds heavier. That needs to change too, by the way. Maybe this will become some sort of weight loss blog? Let's see. Well, anyways, now it's December and not much has changed since January. Well, nothing good has changed.

I take that back. One thing is different from the me 11 months ago in comparison to the me now: I am no longer heartbroken since the breakup. I remember being so shattered. My whole world changed in a matter of hours. And since I kept my almost 3 year relationship a secret from my family, I couldn't confess or confide in them, specifically my mom, what was wrong. It was obvious something was wrong, I was severely depressed. It was written all over my face. And when she would ask me, "Are you okay?", all I could do was lie. I told her I had a lot on my mind or made some other sorry excuse. When in reality, I was dying on the inside. 

But after a few rebound flings and time (it's true, time does heal wounds), my heart hasn't completely healed, but I am leaps and bounds better than in the beginning of the year. But for a long time I had this idea I needed a new boyfriend to replace the old one. I was on a bad search for a guy. But now, and just recently, I have become very comfortable being alone. But this just happened maybe about 2 weeks ago. Dating is exhausting. I'm just gonna see how things evolve on their own.

What I know for sure is this: I'm not happy. I'm not happy with the way I feel, the way I look, or the way my life is unfolding. 2012 was a horrible year for me. Horrible. Just.... bad. And I can't have 2013 turning out the same way. Right now, it looks like its going down the same path. So, it's time for change.

And one of the changes I will be making is handling my anxiety. I have been dealing with anxiety since September 2011. I have high anxiety. And recently it has gotten worse. It's, basically, ruining my life. But Monday I have my first (and hopefully last) hypnosis session.  Wish me luck.

But for my first blog entry, I'm done. I hope this becomes a habit.